I hate the holidays. I sit around and do nothing and all I can do to fill the space is think. And I overthink things and I read too much into stuff that people say and I get depressed and I feel alone and I don't like feeling this way. It makes me question the relationships I have with people and whether they really chalk up to anything at all. I don't really know who I can go to because every corner I turn seems to end up in a dead end. It's really hard coming to terms with the fact that the people I'm close to will never really belong to me wholly and I'm always going to have to share.

And it sucks especially when you sit right in the centre of a group of people and they go out without even telling you and you're left thinking if it's because they don't consider me one of them or if they're having their own private thing and it really sucks knowing that I'm not one of anyone enough to belong fully and wholly into a community.

This whole Ireland situation really isn't helping anything because I really want to go but I don't want it to seem to my parents that I'm only good for using their money and if no one I really care about is going there's really no point in me going at all.

And then I start thinking about whether these people I care about even consider if I'm going and whether it's all wishful one-sided thinking on my part and then I get even sadder.

It's like I can't ever escape this need for external sources of acceptance and this lack of independence really sucks..